Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Should I get a life coach to push past my blocks

There are times when I feel I need to find some help or support in navigating the events and feelings showing up in my life. I feel like there should be more of something in my lives – more success, more happiness, more love. But sometimes it feels like there is some invisible block in my path. This is often caused by a conflict inside myself, between the image I hold of myself or a story I have created about what my life should be; and what is the reality of my life. Or there can be an experience from my childhood that has caused me to be arrested in my development, keeping me collapsing back into the conditioned response I learned in my youth that no longer serves me in my adulthood. Sometimes, I self-sabotage my dreams with attachment to specific expectations that restrict my ability to be spontaneous and adaptable to the unfolding of my life; or with a negative-minded inner voice constricting my own evolution and expansion. I wonder if I should get a life coach to push past my blocks and reach the enlightenment I so desire "to live in the moment".

Monday, November 15, 2010

Christmas hmmmm!

In my previous post I let go of a lot of feelings I "had" for the holiday season fast approaching. Since then I have been working on all that negativity I have.
All the pressure I put on myself. I have been talking with Brennin about it a little but mostly I have been taking two meditation classes and setting new intentions I want in my life.
Last year for a new years resolution I set an goal of Zen in 2010. Since August I have been really making that a reality. I am much more at peace with my life and those around who make decision I don't agree with and making sure I don't let them affect me.
I been looking back through the year and all the "Crap" that has happened and continues and I have not responded to it like I use to. I am in a more Live in the Moment state of mind. No one is more surprised about this then I am.
For example: shortly after my "Holiday Hype" post a very good friend posted on facebook he had a 10 ft Christmas tree he wanted to get rid of. Before I knew it my mind went in a decorating frenzy. I posted I wanted it and sent Brennin to pick it up. I am now looking at putting up 3 yes 3 trees in my living room and am a bit excited to decorate my new house.
Where the hell did that come from?
I don't know but it feels right it feels good and to top that off I have also almost finished my shopping. I have about 6 more things to pick up. I don't feel pressured I don't feel rushed and I don't feel like I have to I feel like I want to.
I have also been thinking about throwing a "Family Christmas Party" with a catch of course. Cousins only! I don't know my cousins on my Dad's side and I think a Christmas open house would be fun. I only have a few cousin's on my Mom's side who live close enough. We will see, that may be pushing this good spirit I have going Not to mention the only weekend free in Dec is the 11th and I am not sure. Maybe next year.
For now I am getting excited for Alesia's Birthday and an appointment we have at a dress shop to pick out a wedding dress. She is so excited. It is not real for me yet but I am sure come Thursday the tears will roll and reality that my baby is getting married will hit me.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Holiday Hype

I sooo dont understand the hype over the holidays! I guess I just havent experienced the glory of the holidays. So many people so excited for Thanksgiving & Christmas. I really could care less, I think no; I know I put alot of pressure on myself to make the holidays wonderful for my kids. Starting with Thanksgiving. Alesia's birthday always falls around this holiday so I try hard to make her day about her not family, which has upset some family (get over it) Birthdays should be a celebration of the day you burst into LIFE! How glorious and what a amazing thing to celebrate, the day of your first breath. Without breath there is no life.
Thanksgiving is the beginning of hell for me. I come from a divored family so my Mom likes me to visit and my Dad likes me to be there are well, Then you mix in the fact I am married to a man who's family wants EVERYONE for every holiday. Now the complicated part. Our children!! We only get Brennin's kids every other year so his family feels that should be there year.. Hmmm! Then there is the grown up factor. Alesia and Lauren are now adults and have boyfriends/ fiance who want them to come the their families homes. So ultimately we have to take what we get. If we get them at our house Iam sorry grandma's and grandpa's I would like quality time with our kids at our own home not your home where it is noisey,full of chaos and self righteous false people, not to mention the food sucks.. Ok that felt good.. and that is just Thanksgiving!
Christmas is a whole nother story. Gifts for people you dont know, Cranky people in the stores, competitive ex's, School plays and concert programs. Not knowing what to say to people like Happy holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Huanaka. I like Happy Holidays it covers it all and just know I am not trying to often anyone. I just want us all to get along. Getting along-- what a concept can we make everyone happy? Do we see family on christmas day christmas eve or after (which is offensive to some) but, NO TIME to do what I want.
What I would like for Christmas holiday season.
Not on earth that will never happen till we learn to accept each others differences. but peace in my home. I dont want to worry about what to get anyone.
Peace of mind!
I want to escape from the christmas hustle I want to run away to a private resort with my sweet husband be in silence just the sound of each other. I dont want FB I dont want my phone. I dont want anyone to know we are there. I want to walk along a desserted beach with my husband holding my hand, eat what ever we want when ever we want. And just be alone with NO pressure of making the perfect holiday for the kids his family or mine.
The only problem with this is I would want it every year. I haven't liked the holidays since I had Alesia and became an adult. Maybe the glitter died for me. I know my Mom never made that big a deal of the holidays, she usually worked or we just sat around trying not to make my Dad mad till he was drunk enough not to be mad if we made noise. I tried to make the holidays special for Alesia and have done different things for her I hope she has better memories and feelings about the holidays than I do.
I know I should be more positive and focus on the giving and spirit of the days ahead and once I am in full swing of them I am fine. I enjoy the moments with family and friends. I already have my favorite party marked on my calendar and NOTHING keeps me from Shalins X-mas party. Hopefully one day when I have (gulp) grandkids I will get excited early but for now NOT SO MUCH!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

What a difference 3months makes..

I usually try to be so positive. I try to see the glass half full and that the other person may have a point,BUT..; The last 2months I really have taken on quite negative attitude. It just amazes me how one selfish person's decisions can change so many people's lives.
To some it up I miss our Kids. Alex moved to Provo with her Mom at her grandparents. They being Brittney Chace and Alex don't calls us or come by to see us. Brennin and I are trying to stay busy but I know he misses them as much as I do. When they do come with us it is so hard not to let our feelings of anger and hurt show. I think I am the worst at that. I just want things back the way they used to be. I miss Chace's silly faces and over exaggerated stories. I miss Alex's enthusiasm and hugs. I miss Brittney's thoughts and the way she sorts through the details to an end she understands.
I keep hoping this to shall pass. But the hurt is deep.
Alesia and Shel have moved in with us, They are engaged and are trying to pay off some stuff and save for there big day July 12th 2011. I am proud of them for thinking responsibly and working on getting ahead early in life. It is also giving Brennin and I the opportunity to get to know Shel better and so far I love the kid he is good to Alesia and trys to be very helpful around the house.
Lauren and Eddie are also engaged. They live in Boise and I can't wait to visit them for Lauren's birthday in Aug. We have only met Eddie once but he seems like a nice guy and Lauren is happy really that is all we care about. She always seems to be so positive lately and I think she is smiling behind that giggle on the phone.
We love our children all of them and hope we will be the family we were a year ago. I miss the adventure and noise. Hopefully sooner than later. Space and time I guess..

Thursday, April 1, 2010


So it has been awhile.

Iam now Married to the most amazing man every. And we just bought a house in Saratoga Springs. I love it. It is so big I hope one day i will have enough furniture to put in it.. Alexandra lives with us in our new big house. Adjustment has been difficult but I think she is getting us to it.. New School new friends and new neighborhood.